<div class="line">my first job was at a burger joint</div>
<div class="line">I spent a lot of time washing trays with bleach</div>
<div class="line">rubbing the corners</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">whipping clipped fingernails</div>
<div class="line">into the trash basket</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">I ended up in the emergency room thinking</div>
<div class="line">about my dress that opened at the hem like</div>
<div class="line">an umbrella and how</div>
<div class="line">I had not worn it in</div>
<div class="line">months</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">I was only sixteen and that bleach</div>
<div class="line">had burned off all my fingerprints</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">A nurse</div>
<div class="line">in a whisper</div>
<div class="line">asked me if I had been doing anything</div>
<div class="line">strange with my hands</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">The lining of that umbrella skirt was</div>
<div class="line">a strange pattern that always reminded</div>
<div class="line">me of lungs</div>
<div class="line">like it was saying</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">this is the skirt that will keep you breathing</div>
<div class="line">and the more I didn’t wear it</div>
<div class="line">the more bleach I would dump</div>
<div class="line">into the industrial sinks</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">until it was one big vat of toxic</div>
<div class="line">fire until every time I entered</div>
<div class="line">a room there wasn’t a quietness</div>
<div class="line">for the dying and</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">I said no I just don’t know how this could have happened</div>
<div class="line">any of it</div>
<div class="line">and there was a hush to the room like something deadly</div>
<div class="line">sitting down like an osprey maybe or</div>
<div class="line">father and I got up to leave thinking that the</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">doorknob couldn’t be dusted by police to find me</div>
<div class="line">I could go</div>
<div class="line">I could do anything</div><figure class="wp-block-audio"><audio controls src="https://admin.rattle.com/audio/BellUmbrella.mp3"></audio></figure>

To the Man I Kissed Sitting on a Sunkist Orange Crate Smoking a Doobie

Morning in East Wallingford

Umbrella

<div class="line">The photos taken from helicopters are really</div>
<div class="line">quite beautiful: the weird orange waves, the way</div>
<div class="line">it bends back like a spinal cord. It isn’t that I</div>
<div class="line">am not sympathetic to the ocean, but it</div>
<div class="line">touches the tips of birds, taking them from</div>
<div class="line">naked to casket. I have always been attracted</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">to power in that way: fortressing my house</div>
<div class="line">with brick fences and mines. The abusive</div>
<div class="line">burn victims as boyfriends. Building a garden</div>
<div class="line">all spring, only to maniacally cover it in poison</div>
<div class="line">at the season’s end.</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">I wonder how the oil sounds when it speaks.</div>
<div class="line">Perhaps quiet as a star. Perhaps sad as a</div>
<div class="line">Wurlitzer. Perhaps it just wants to go home,</div>
<div class="line">moans and cries for its mother. Maybe it is</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">not what it seems: its dark marigold is</div>
<div class="line">its way of saying<em> don’t leave me because</em></div>
<div class="line"><em> of who I am</em>. And animals are dying and</div>
<div class="line">the algae has crumbled up in the shape</div>
<div class="line">and color of human blood. I find, within all the</div>
<div class="line">salvage and darkness, that it has fingers.</div>
<div> </div>
<div class="line">I touch them lightly like I would</div>
<div class="line">touch the skeleton of a person that I</div>
<div class="line">once loved, frightened and hoping</div>
<div class="line">this one doesn’t belong to me, but</div>
<div class="line">it does.</div><figure class="wp-block-audio"><audio controls src="https://admin.rattle.com/audio/BellSpill.mp3"></audio></figure>

Tenderness

Surge

Love Letter to the Gulf Coast Oil Spill

<div class="line">Every time a possible employer called me</div>
<div class="line">in response to a resume I had submitted, they</div>
<div class="line">would awkwardly ask, “and when are you available</div>
<div class="line">for an interview?” And I had to</div>
<div class="line">casually say back, “oh, anytime,” as if it was</div>
<div class="line">No Big Deal. You see, No Big Deal behavior is</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">actually similar to a duck walking splay-legged</div>
<div class="line">to the edge of a pond. Oh, I’ll get there,</div>
<div class="line">and I will desperately pretend I can walk normally</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">the whole way. At this point I had been unemployed</div>
<div class="line">for 4 months. I had periodically begged, stripped</div>
<div class="line">and even gotten embroiled in a weird business attempt</div>
<div class="line">with a covert religious fanatic. No Big Deal</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">had become harder and harder to muster.</div>
<div class="line">I once had been so out of my mind with hunger</div>
<div class="line">that I had laughed and under my breath said</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">I WANT TO DIE when the phone interviewer asked me</div>
<div class="line">what my qualifications were. I had hummed and</div>
<div class="line">growled and lost track of words while</div>
<div class="line">talking about my useless degrees.</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">The night after the last growl, I began</div>
<div class="line">the process to trademark No Big Deal.</div>
<div class="line">Because nine out of ten people in my</div>
<div class="line">city lived in poverty. Because even the county</div>
<div class="line">office had no charity shoes left for me</div>
<div class="line">and I had been poking around barefoot.</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">The day I patented No Big Deal, I got a phone call</div>
<div class="line">from a lawyer saying, “hey son, I saw your idea,</div>
<div class="line">let’s talk.” And I barked and growled,</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">I had no more use for human sounds.</div>
<div class="line">But No Big Deal flew off the shelves,</div>
<div class="line">people recognized it right away like a</div>
<div class="line">memory. A woman in a store used</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">No Big Deal when she smiled at me,</div>
<div class="line">slipped the rubbery new shoes on my</div>
<div class="line">feet. I began to speak again, and again, at shows</div>
<div class="line">and then arenas. “No Big Deal,” I said</div>
<div class="line">into a microphone and the crowd</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">roared back at me, years of nostalgia</div>
<div class="line">bubbling up. But they wanted to buy it,</div>
<div class="line">they wanted to hold No Big Deal in their</div>
<div class="line">hands all wrapped up, like it was new.</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">“How are you feeling?” asked the</div>
<div class="line">big-headed woman on the television show</div>
<div class="line">and I relaxed backward in the velvet chair,</div>
<div class="line">making sure to show my wrists and the big</div>
<div class="line">watch there. “No Big Deal,” I repeated</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">and she nodded and the audience nodded</div>
<div class="line">and I wondered what I had done.</div>


Winter Can Go Now

When War Makes a Child

This Is How I Make My Money

<div class="line">Varicose veins after birth. Your hands</div>
<div class="line">during cancer. My unyielding legs</div>
<div class="line">during the rape. The beer I dream of.</div>
<div class="line">The joy I dream of. The sky when you</div>
<div class="line">said yes, oh yes, I do have</div>
<div class="line">cancer. And then you said please</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">leave me. Leave Me: a good name</div>
<div class="line">for the color blue. Selling my handguns,</div>
<div class="line">suicidal thoughts. Eating white rice,</div>
<div class="line">too sad to make anything different.</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">Leave Me: a perfect name for the color</div>
<div class="line">blue. Arrhythmia. Seizures. The long</div>
<div class="line">slow terror of a heart rate monitor.</div>
<div class="line">The way I casually whispered</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">Crayola has a contest about a new</div>
<div class="line">color and you knew it was blue even</div>
<div class="line">before I said it. You Knew It Was Blue:</div>
<div class="line">a good name for a color. Because blue</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">is sadness but also the most relaxing</div>
<div class="line">color to paint your walls. Research says.</div>
<div class="line">A doctor walks in and we joke, blue jokes,</div>
<div class="line">nothing off limits. The doctor says</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">a good name for the color blue</div>
<div class="line">could be Flatline and I look at my shoes,</div>
<div class="line">blue laces. It’s Not Funny: an interesting</div>
<div class="line">name for the color blue. Please Don’t</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">Go: a terrible name for the color blue.</div>
<div class="line">But that’s what you suggested</div>
<div class="line">so we all laughed and I emailed</div>
<div class="line">Crayola while crying and</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">I feel like there is lightning in my hands</div>
<div class="line">to make a suggestion like that,</div>
<div class="line">like the burning smell of death.</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">You said isn’t it funny how</div>
<div class="line">veins look blue under your skin</div>
<div class="line">but the blood is red when released</div>
<div class="line">Isn’t It Funny: a name for the color blue.</div>
<div class="line">The coldness of your feet</div>
<div class="line">after you’re gone. Your eyelids.</div>
<div class="line">The weird crust around your</div>
<div class="line">mouth. The hospital bill, my pen,</div>
<div class="line">throwing my purse at the doctor</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">saying why couldn’t you have</div>
<div class="line">done anything more. All good names</div>
<div class="line">for the color blue. A medium blue,</div>
<div class="line">like Neptune, you said. Just look</div>
<div class="line">up, it helps to look up. You Laughed:</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">a name for the color blue, a real</div>
<div class="line">winner I think. The release of a heart</div>
<div class="line">from another heart: just perfect.</div>


Clapboard

Advent on South Hill

Crayola Has a Contest to Name Its New Color Blue

<div class="line">After the eighth cup of cheap coffee,</div>
<div class="line">you sit with me at the kitchen table and I</div>
<div class="line">never know what to say. Because in daylight,</div>
<div class="line">I am frightened, the way the</div>
<div class="line">sun catches your face making your eyes</div>
<div class="line">seem lighter</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">moon jellyfish</div>
<div class="line">or <i>Glaucus atlanticus</i>—</div>
<div class="line">strange blue dragons</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">So here is what I should have said</div>
<div class="line">yesterday: mayflies have the shortest lifespan</div>
<div class="line">of any organism but still</div>
<div class="line">they keep finding each other. The Tiger</div>
<div class="line">Pistol Shrimp makes</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">a shrill sad song</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">in order to stun its prey.</div>
<div class="line">These are facts</div>
<div></div>
<div class="line">you mouthy sonofabitch</div>
<div class="line">shut up and let me love you</div>


Shopping Cart
items

November 26, 2018Sad SongHeather Bell

Sign up for our Newsletter

November 26, 2018Sad SongHeather Bell

Related

Umbrella by Heather Bell

Love Letter to the Gulf Coast Oil Spill by Heather Bell

This Is How I Make My Money by Heather Bell

Crayola Has a Contest to Name Its New Color Blue by Heather Bell